Monster Mash Part 3: Fast Return Switch

So, we've already talked a bit about the hierarchy of monsters in Doctor Who, and discussed some of what makes those recurring foes unique (or sometimes not). But what about the remaining panoply of foes? Where should they next look for a classic to resurrect?

Obviously they should look to me. Because I'm clearly the worlds foremost expert on these things. I also don't use sarcasm, because I don't know what it is.

What is sarcasm?

Here then is a list of things, one from each Doctor, that I feel has potential for making a comeback in some fashion.

1st Doctor

It's kind of tricky looking at what might be worth bringing back from the 1st Doctors tenure. After all the big monster of the time was THE big monster. The Daleks. The mixture of science fiction and pure historical also limits us slightly, as I'm not entirely sure you could get away with just saying The French these days. The Celestial Toymaker is tempting, but frankly a little obvious. I was tempted to plump for something a little more esoteric like a Malfunction Of The Dimensional Stabilizer. But the appeal of pulling a reverse Planet Of Giants fades a little now that Amy Pond's miniskirts have left the show.

Although I maintain that Attack Of The 50 Foot Doctor is still a cool title.

But there is one element that I think has potential: Marinus.

Now, the Voord specifically weren't exactly the most successful villains in history, but could easily be updated to be a little more menacing. But it's the setting of Marinus that I'm specifically nominating here. A wide and diverse world with an equally diverse range of threats of perils to overcome. A two part trek across Marinus could make for both an interesting story and fanboy wet dream. Frozen knights, killer plants, brains in jars and a sinister overarching scheme by a race of evil space gimps. The challenge of course would be in creating a story that could successfully span a number of zones in the modern time constraints. Although spread over 2 episodes and cutting the faffing around it should be fairly doable.

Still don't believe me? Let me give you a title: The Chains Of Marinus. Doesn't that sound like something you'd want to see? I know I do.

2nd Doctor

If it's tricky to pick a classic element from the 1st Doctors run, then finding something from the 2nd is almost impossible. The problem is twofold. First and most obviously is the sheer amount of missing episodes. There are precious few stories left from which to take inspiration. Second and most surprising is the sheer amount of stuff from this time that's already been brought back. Daleks & Cybermen? Check. The Great Intelligence? Check. The Ice Warriors? Any minute now. Hell, even the Macra have made a guest appearance.
But there is at least one complete serial that could provide an interesting hook for a new story: The Mind Robber.

For all the reasons you'd expect.

Now, I freely admit to being one of those stiflingly dull fans that has trouble admitting the show is science fantasy, not science fiction. I don't like it when things get too magical. I want a rational explanation, if it's a load of technobabble and bullcrap. But in terms of fully drugged up out there otherworldliness you can't really get better than the Land Of Fiction. You can not only do weird and trippy, you can do meta. Get Mark Gatiss or even Russell T Davis to write it. Putting the story in that kind of space would certainly help overcome some of the issues RTD has. You can, after all, make the limitations or quirks of the writer into an actual plot point.

And any homage shots to Zoe's magnificent posterior are of course merely the icing on the cake.

3rd Doctor

Again it's quite remarkable just how many tropes and elements from this era have resurfaced in modern Doctor Who. We've had the Autons, The Master, The Silurians. We've had UNIT. We've had giant creepy crawlies on peoples backs. We've had parallel worlds. We've had ancient powerful alien forces that look like devils. We've had Dinosaurs. I mean, the Doctor Who Live stage show was a giant homage / sequel to Carnival Of Monsters for fucks sake. Where do we go from there?

Easy. We go to Peladon.

I'm not going to lie. I fucking LOVE the Peladon stories. There's really nothing else quite like them in all of Doctor Who. There's just something in the setting of medieval feudalism on an alien world adapting to advanced technologies and new cultures. Going straight from the dark ages to space travel and trying to find it's place in a wider universe that I just love. That and the fact it has a great array of aliens and characters and nothing is ever quite as it seems.

Well, that or the fact that it's curiously reminiscent of He-Man.

By the power of Aggedor!!

Anyway, just think what an updated Aggedor could be like. Never mind all that CGI rubbish, I'm thinking something along the lines of the Minotaur from The God Complex. Only hairier.

With the Ice warriors already set to make an appearance, a return to Peladon would be a fantastic opportunity to introduce a new audience to the setting that really made them great, one of space age barbarians and weird aliens.

And really, do you think you could go wrong with a story called The Invasion Of Peladon?

4th Doctor

For the choice from the era of the 4th Doctor is actually fairly simple. Most people would, if pressed, probably nominate the Zygons. Certainly a worthy choice, and one that I'm quite sure will come around sooner rather than the later. But, in the spirit of being inherently obstreperous in such matters my vote has to go instead to one of the overlooked greats of all Doctor Who monsterdom: The Wirrn.

Doctor Who has a long and storied tradition of shamelessly cribbing from other stories. What's interesting about the Ark In Space is that it's an obvious homage to Alien. Only it came out FOUR YEARS BEFORE ALIEN DID. The crew of a huge space-bound habitat are awakened from cryogenic suspension to find themselves beset by an insidious alien parasite which goes through several distinct stages and uses human hosts to breed? Not creepy enough for you? How about the fact that the Alien parasite takes characteristics from it's host organism? A plot point that was not introduced to the Aliens franchise until Alien 3? Really, the only thing Alien added to the mix was better lighting and a cat. Okay, actually having a budget probably helped as well.

But then that's the point. We have the technology to realize the Wirrn far more effectively now, and if 42 proved anything it's that we can totally do an Alien style space craft. The only real drawback is that we could easily make a terrifying body horror that is so unsuitable for viewing at 7 o'Clock on a Saturday evening that actually causes the whole BBC to explode.

Personally, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

5th Doctor

Now, the 5th Doctor's era was not necessarily replete with all time classic monsters, but it was far from devoid of them either. If anything the only real failure in the monster department is an over reliance on the Master, but that never really did the 3rd Doctor any harm. I'm sure a lot of people would like to see the Mara make a come back. But I've already said my piece on that particular monster. Now, I think Terileptils might be interesting. They would certainly benefit from advances in practical effects, and have some interesting elements that could be exploited. I mean, how about an interplanetary gang war between criminal factions of Terileptils and Slitheen? But thinking about it there is one other possibility that I'm going to run with: The Malus.

What I think makes this particular monster effective is it's simplicity. It's basically a big scary head that sits in the background and sends everyone else crazy. From a practical standpoint it's great because it's relatively cheap to realize. From a story standpoint it's great because it can be used to stir up some of that real human drama that all the kids are into these days. Think of it like a one episode Satan Pit lite. Hell, you could probably spin out a decent episode with the Doctor stuck in a cupboard trying to counteract the malign influence of the Malus. Like a cross between Blink and that one bit in Human Nature with the cricket ball.

Which would be curiously appropriate when you think about it.

6th Doctor

Ah, now we're firmly into "difficult" territory. The 80's were a rough time for Doctor Who, and perhaps roughest of all for the 6th Doctor. His woefully truncated run leaves little to pick from despite (or because) of managing to hit most of the classic monsters in his run. With only 2 series this just didn't leave much room for new foes. Not that his run was devoid of original and memorable foes. There's Sil and the Mentors, obviously. But we have had rather a glut of economically motivated villains already in the new series. The Valeyard is undoubtedly a stand-out performance. But we have had the Dream Lord basically doing the same thing. No, I think I'm going to have to go with the Vervoids.

Proving that Doctor Who trumps Aliens yet again we have a monster that manages to look like both a penis  and a vagina AT THE SAME TIME. Twice even. Moving away from my own peculiar fascination with genitalia for a brief moment, it is still a brilliant design, and a distinctive enemy. It's been quite a while since we've had a plant monster as well. Not since Terror Of The Vervoids in fact.

Blimey. That put's things in perspective doesn't it?

7th Doctor

The problem faced when looking through the 7th Doctors monsters is not any scarcity of memorable foes. Rather it's in the rather singular nature of those enemies. That is whilst the monster works well in it's own story, it's not a story that really leaves much room for a repeat performance. To be sure, this is an issue faced in all eras, but one that really comes to the fore here. Ghost Light, Curse Of Fenric, Happiness Patrol. They're all very self contained. Battlefield certainly sets up some potential for a future Doctors involvement, but is really one of those instances where the off screen adventures should be kept off screen lest they spoil the mystique. The greatest stories are always the ones in your head after all.

Now, you could conceivably use the Bannermen reasonably effectively. Should a story call for a group of space mercenaries without blowing the budget you could do worse than throwing in a bit of fan service. But one monster design that I've always loved is that of the Tetraps.

Hideous four eyed bat monster people from space. What's not to love about that? They have that whole gargoyle thing going on which could work quite well. Just picture a scene of the Doctor an company sneaking past some suitably gothic structure, and the camera pans down to a Tetrap clinging to the side. And suddenly an eye opens in the side if his head! Bam! Cut to credits, diddly doo de diddly doo etc.

8th Doctor

Of course, of all the classic Doctors the hardest one to pick out something worth bringing back from is always going to be the 8th Doctor. Well, unless we decide to cheat and start counting the Big Finish audios. Which is funny, because it's the 8th Doctor Adventures series that really provides the master class in resurecting classic foes.

Which is also funny because the Master is one of the few classics they don't bring back. But I digress.

Really, the problem with the 8th Doctor is that he's the only one who's arch nemesi have been wantonly overused since the series returned. No, I'm not talking about the Master. I'm talking about dodgy writing, flaky endings and perhaps deadliest of all KISSING.

But it's Victorian England! And I barely even know you!

Seriously, knock that shit off.

Of course, after all this there is only one obvious question remaining: How come I haven't mentioned the Myrka yet? Isn't it obvious?

THEY'VE ALREADY BROUGHT THE MYRKA BACK MOTHERFUCKERS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!